Why write a blog now? It is Spring 2022. I am 54 years old and I am experiencing an "awakening" of a depth I never thought possible. This awakening is so profound that it has changed and continues to change the course of my life. Writing a blog to share that which I experience helps me remain accountable to staying awake. I don't want to go back to sleep and lose my awareness.
I have always been seeking deeper knowledge and understanding of myself and the Universe…ever since I was 17 years old when I read Way of the Peaceful Warrior (by Dan Millman). I have experienced flashes of enlightenment and "knowing" but I wasn't able to sustain them. I have witnessed spectacular phenomena such as the birth and growth of my sons, Chase and Woods. I have devoted years to meditation. I have endured intense spiritual retreats focused on stripping my ego away from my more mindful present moment. I have seen psychiatrists and psychotherapists. And have I read books… I have been searching. I knew there had to be answers out there…somewhere…there just had to be.
Then, amidst the isolation of the quarantine during the global COVID pandemic, I found myself in a familiar and unwelcome space…depression. Sure, I was functioning… In fact, I didn't initially recognize my depression because I thought I was living a mindful and present life through all of my "practices". I was meditating an hour per day. Eating a healthy diet. Enduring daily vigorous physical exercise. Attempting to be present in my close relationships. Yea, I thought I was showing up and checking all the boxes…until one day, I looked in the mirror and saw my story reflect back to me. I saw it was the same old story of patterns I had been struggling to break and rewrite for decades… Standing in that moment, I was lost…stuck. Yes…I was depressed.
As a result of the quarantine though, I received an unexpected gift. I received the gift of the time and space necessary to be able to dive deep and expose my depression for what it was and then, to develop a different strategy to understand it. So, what did I do…? Well, I read more books…but new books. And I talked to new people with new perspectives. As a result, I found new information about myself and new modalities with which to find my healing. Some of this information came from the literature and individuals I consulted, and some came from a life changing entheogenic (psychedelic) experience I had in early 2021. The most important change that occurred, though, was I made a choice to change my perspective and to break my depression cycle once and for all. I chose to find my healing.
I am writing this blog to invite you to engage into a reflection - a reflection about the struggles and joys of seeking deeper meaning and connection to this experience we call "life". My goal is to share my experience with you, so that we may meet in a deeper connection as we share experience for healing and growth. My intention is to make the information as tangible as possible, as well as, raw and vulnerable.
My intention is also to make sure that my delivery is unpretentious and accessible. I am not writing this to say that I have figured it out or that "I know the way". I haven't and I don't… I am writing this to say that I am actively figuring it out on a daily basis, as each day brings me new challenges…as well as my old ones with which I continue to contend.
I’m committed to sharing and am choosing to share my thoughts and ideas as means to help clarify them for myself and to make sure that they do not exist in a bubble. Creating a public dialogue around them pushes me to remain present and real, as I risk criticism and judgment. I welcome this exchange because it will hopefully help me continue to evaluate and refine my perspectives as I grow, and to remain committed to being transparent. I choose to share my thoughts and ideas with you for they are my truth…and I believe it is through sharing our truths that we may help each other find our way.
