1 - Why Now?

Why write a blog now?  It is Spring 2022.  I am 54 years old and I am experiencing an "awakening" of a depth I never thought possible.  This awakening is so profound that it has changed and continues to change the course of my life.  Writing a blog to share that which I experience helps me remain accountable to staying awake.  I don't want to go back to sleep and lose my awareness.

I have always been seeking deeper knowledge and understanding of myself and the Universe…ever since I was 17 years old when I read Way of the Peaceful Warrior (by Dan Millman).  I have experienced flashes of enlightenment and "knowing" but I wasn't able to sustain them.  I have witnessed spectacular phenomena such as the birth and growth of my sons, Chase and Woods.  I have devoted years to meditation.  I have endured intense spiritual retreats focused on stripping my ego away from my more mindful present moment.  I have seen psychiatrists and psychotherapists.  And have I read books…  I have been searching.  I knew there had to be answers out there…somewhere…there just had to be.

Then, amidst the isolation of the quarantine during the global COVID pandemic, I found myself in a familiar and unwelcome space…depression.  Sure, I was functioning…  In fact, I didn't initially recognize my depression because I thought I was living a mindful and present life through all of my "practices".  I was meditating an hour per day.  Eating a healthy diet.  Enduring daily vigorous physical exercise.  Attempting to be present in my close relationships.  Yea, I thought I was showing up and checking all the boxes…until one day, I looked in the mirror and saw my story reflect back to me.  I saw it was the same old story of patterns I had been struggling to break and rewrite for decades…  Standing in that moment, I was lost…stuck.  Yes…I was depressed.

As a result of the quarantine though, I received an unexpected gift.  I received the gift of the time and space necessary to be able to dive deep and expose my depression for what it was and then, to develop a different strategy to understand it.  So, what did I do…?  Well, I read more books…but new books.  And I talked to new people with new perspectives.  As a result, I found new information about myself and new modalities with which to find my healing.  Some of this information came from the literature and individuals I consulted, and some came from a life changing entheogenic (psychedelic) experience I had in early 2021. The most important change that occurred, though, was I made a choice to change my perspective and to break my depression cycle once and for all.  I chose to find my healing.

I am writing this blog to invite you to engage into a reflection - a reflection about the struggles and joys of seeking deeper meaning and connection to this experience we call "life".  My goal is to share my experience with you, so that we may meet in a deeper connection as we share experience for healing and growth. My intention is to make the information as tangible as possible, as well as, raw and vulnerable. 

My intention is also to make sure that my delivery is unpretentious and accessible.  I am not writing this to say that I have figured it out or that "I know the way".  I haven't and I don't… I am writing this to say that I am actively figuring it out on a daily basis, as each day brings me new challenges…as well as my old ones with which I continue to contend.  

I’m committed to sharing and am choosing to share my thoughts and ideas as means to help clarify them for myself and to make sure that they do not exist in a bubble.  Creating a public dialogue around them pushes me to remain present and real, as I risk criticism and judgment.  I welcome this exchange because it will hopefully help me continue to evaluate and refine my perspectives as I grow, and to remain committed to being transparent.  I choose to share my thoughts and ideas with you for they are my truth…and I believe it is through sharing our truths that we may help each other find our way.

Making It Outside - An Introduction

Making It Outside is a metaphor I use for describing how I live life...how we all live life.  I am borrowing the term from the realm of surfing, as it refers to the process of paddling a surfboard, a body board, or simply swimming through the incoming whitewash to the area where the waves actually break.  As surfers, we want to surf the free breaking wave at its peak, so the goal is always to "make it outside" to the breaking wave. 

I use this term as a metaphor for this blog because making it outside is sometimes extremely difficult.  A novice surfer has no concept of how to paddle a surfboard through incoming whitewash or through pounding waves at the point of impact. Invariably, a novice will get pummeled by the ocean, thrown off his or her board, and may be pushed back to the beach with sand in every orifice, a mouthful of seawater, and usually a humbled ego. 

But...this same humbling experience may also happen to veteran surfers.  It may be by different degrees but the challenge is the same.  The surf may be huge, so the process of getting through the large waves takes more strength and endurance.  The currents may be so strong that they instantly sweep you down the beach away from your desired wave.  Or, as is sometimes the case with me, you haven't surfed frequently enough to maintain fitness or rhythm with the ocean, so you make mistakes that cause you to get hammered by the waves.

My point is that making it outside in the surf is pretty much like making it outside in life.  Life constantly throws whitewash at us that we need to overcome, rogue waves that either push us to the bottom or all the way back to the beach, and severe riptides that sweep us away from our objectives.  So, as in surfing, it takes some very specific foundational qualities and values which help us skillfully navigate this seemingly treacherous ocean journey before us.

What is very interesting to consider though, sort of "next level" awareness, is that in surfing we go through this struggle to make it outside only to turn around, paddle hard, catch the free breaking wave, and then experience the joy of riding the energy of that wave back...inside.  Once complete, we turn around and repeat the cycle again and again...  When we look at life in this way, the goal isn't actually making it outside...that is only the start.  The goal is to do the work to make it outside in order to experience the joy of making it inside.  We can't experience one without the other...our life journey requires both.

This is my experience with my life, as I have found my journey inside through intense work to make it outside.  I have struggled through the various whitewashes, currents, and conditions to discover a moment of peace...a moment of clarity.  It was and is in that moment that I realize that the goal actually is to make it inside.  I discovered that my journey inside is my journey to my true self.

Making It Outside might be better titled Making It "Inside" but, as in surfing, we must first learn to make it outside before we may learn to ride the waves.  But before we may even do that...we must first choose to jump in the ocean and start paddling.

This blog is about my healing journey… and hopefully yours too. It will contain different stops on my path, different musings, and different realizations.  And then…it will move on to what is relevant in the present moment.  Thoughts, ideas, and truths about today and growing into tomorrow… to stay awake and to make it outside.

I invite you to join me on this journey and to share in this dialogue.